The first prerequisite in recognizing love is to know its true meaning and nature. We have tried to explain love as the natural involvement of personalities, one with another. Instead of being a mysterious and uncontrollable force, as some believe, it is a normal unity based upon interdependence, and it grows out of need fulfillment, habits of association, and achievements in adjustment. If this view is correct, then love does make sense; and can be understood and controlled. The title of this chapter is significant; successful loving is a matter of learning, which takes time and requires both study and effort.
The question, then, is not just, "Am I in love?", but "What kind of love?" and "How much?"
The kind of love one is able to give makes a great difference in the degree of happiness he is able to achieve in marriage. Narcissism, or self-love, won't get him very far. Homosexual love will only serve to block his adjustments to the opposite sex. Romantic love will leave him infantile and subject to serious disillusionment. And there are other kinds that can make for similar maladjustments. Duvall and Hill point out that "puppy love," when taken too seriously, may lead to a dog's life. The only kind that can make for lasting marital happiness is the type that has been called conjugal love. This is the mature heterosexual love that we have been talking about. It is founded upon cooperation, and it is dynamic enough to change or grow with adjustment throughout marriage.
