Discover how to get him to marry you, love you, and never leave you

Are you finally done with the dating world and you feel that the man you are with is the man you would like to spend the rest of your life with? Have had a stronger feeling than wanting to marry him now?

This was my problem too when I was at a turning point in my life when I realized that there is no other person for me but him. Although I had a big problem at this time because he did not seem to have any plans of asking me to marry him.

I am sure that it also frustrating for you because of the simple fact that you had to do something to get him to marry you. But let me tell you this, a relationship is a two way thing and it means that if sometimes you want something done you have got to stand on your feet and do something about it.

Never did I imagine myself in the situation I was in but I could not forget how it was for me. This led me to think that I needed to share my thoughts and experience on the matter.

Should You Marry Your First Love?

You know the scenario: The star quarterback of the football team drops back to pass the winning touchdown in the big game and, out of the corner of his eye, spots the cute cheerleader jumping up and down with pompoms lifted to the sky. Love at first sight?

After the prom and a college courtship, the quarterback proposes and of course, the cheerleader accepts. Sure, it reads like a fantasy. In essence, that is what it is -- an idealized depiction of marriage to your first love.

But guess what? It may be possible to have it all with the first person you fall for. You may not buy the dog and cat, live in the suburbs or spawn a large brood, but maybe you can make it work with the right person.

Is the grass greener?

Let me school anyone who is pondering marriage with your first sweetheart while obsessing about what else is out there. Nothing much, I regret to inform you. Look, you may meet many wonderful people who stimulate you, but is it worth dumping the love you have now?

Think about it: unless you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship with no room for personal growth, it is not a good proposition. Forget about your concerns of monogamy. If the sex is good now (or the foreplay if abstinent) and you both are open, willing to experiment and please each other, sex with anyone else will leave you empty.

What if you, well, regret it?

I know, I know; the curiosity is killing you. Just stop and think a minute -- with your brain. The best sex is with someone with whom you share a deep bond, where the comfort level is high and the rapport is honest. I assume you have all that with the love of your life.
So why consider shelving the marriage plans or long-term commitment because you want to be with more than one woman before you die? The bottom line is that real love is priceless. Don't let it slip away.

What you'd be missing

A final note for the Doubting Thomas in you. Think about a future with your current sweetheart and first love. Marriage, family, a home -- the whole nine yards -- or whatever it is you aspire to as a couple.
Now imagine that you cave into your desire to experience more and leave your first love. What would life be like then? Yes, after braving the difficult transition period of being alone, you may find comfort in the arms of another person.

You may have more lovers than a movie star. Fine. What then? It takes a strong person to stick with one love for an entire lifetime. If that first love is the real deal, do not succumb to the temptation of the more-is-more value system. This could be the truest love you'll ever find.

Relations: Learning to Love

Love seems to be the logical starting point. Though not synonymous, love and marriage are nevertheless very much interrelated and are generally thought of together. Marriage is the natural consummation of love interests. Love is the magnet that brings people together and the cement that holds them together; it is the most essential element in pair unity.

Yet there are perhaps few concepts so misunderstood and abused. In the name of love people sometimes flounder, when they could have intelligent direction; dissipate, when their energies could be spent constructively; exploit, when they could, and should, cooperate. Some people regard love as a blind force that can be neither understood nor controlled. Others see it as an excuse for indulgence or for the satisfying of narrow self-interest. Only a few, relatively speaking, learn the full meaning of the term and are able to use well the full power that love provides.

Nature and Function of Love

Love might be simply defined as any sentiment of attachment that is centered upon any person or thing; it is a pleasurable feeling, in other words, and it is directed toward some object. The love object might be entirely nonmaterial, as when we say that one loves some standard, principle, or cause that he shows a strong devotion for; he can love democracy, for example, or peace, or the Christian Church. Similarly it can be said that one loves a certain type of activity such as swimming, reading, or listening to musical concerts.

Again, the love object might be material though nonhuman, as when we say that one loves ice cream, or new hats, or horses. Finally, the love object might be a human personality. There are many varieties of this latter also: there is self-love; there are filial and parental loves; there are friendships everywhere, regardless of age, sex, or social relationships; and there is the sweetheart love of courtship and marriage. Broadly considered, love exists whenever and wherever people obtain satisfactions from the objects and the activities that attract them.

It is to the narrower usage of the term, to sweetheart love, that attention is now being turned. Though love is of many types, it is only that which relates to marriage that will concern us here.

The Discovery of "You"

When one acquires this creative attitude toward love, one cannot lightly surrender oneself to another. The defect in many marriages has been that they were not marriages as creation but unions for sexual intercourse. And they all proceed calmly on, though standing on the very brink of destruction. Their passion, as they call it, is easily exhausted; they are merely captivated by fleeting sentiment; they have lost the creative feeling.

The love of the majority arises from sentimentality and has no time for the training of the will. It quite lacks strong, selective will. Today it drops the one once welcomed as the ideal wife, and tomorrow takes the cowardly position of transferring its affection to another woman. And such conduct is not considered strange; for folk fail to comprehend the creative feeling of passionate love. I venture to declare that passionate love is bound to be ethical.
When I declare that love must be ethical, I do not imply that love must be sacrificed to morality, but that love in its essence is above the sexual act. Where-fore, when one considers the various psychic relations, has regard to social relations as well, and settles one's own personal attitude, then in the ardor that flames up above these and as a result of the great determination to create a new order, passionate love itself emerges.

In other words, passionate love must be that which wells forth from one's personality as a starting point, from the creative feeling of the other personality--the discovery and creation of "you"--and from the high intention to develop a new order. Therefore, it is impossible for one easily to shift from one lover to another. If one has many loves, it must be concluded that one has a multiplicity of selves; and such a one we call insane.

Love and Personality

In the ancient times of incomplete personalities, monogamy was impossible; but since the coming of Christ completed personality has been presented to our view and we have become incapable of bigamous love. Yet, naturally, as I have just stated, the principle of monogamy breaks down if there is more or less of abnormality in the character.


Quite recently, in many parts of Japan, lovers, finding this whole-souled love unattainable, have sacrificed themselves; and there are certain thinkers who dispute the eternal validity of the principle of monogamy, regarding these cases as disproof of it.

However, I think quite otherwise, for in situations where lovers attain control over their environment, mastery of their passions, and consciousness of true human nature, their character union will, in any period whatever, be recognized necessarily as valid, and therein a perfect monogamy is realized. I therefore do not say, add one and one, and arrive at unity, but rather, that that which is essentially one cannot be divided into two. The two souls aflame will be perennially ardent. This is what I term monogamy.

Man's Degeneracy

When desire is separated from love and from marriage, it becomes that divisive love which is real lust, that which draws men's lives down to the horrible bottom of hell. For example, a man who upon marrying makes lust his sole aim, no matter who his mate may be, descends along the way of least resistance, so long as he can satisfy his own lust. He cares not a whit what the character of his mate may be or how society regards his conduct. He lives solely to indulge his own selfish desire, and is a mere slave to mean, mechanical instincts. Marriage to such a man is a sort of private prostitution: when he tires of his wife or the prostitute with whom he is familiar, his lust demands new means of satisfaction. He is reduced to seeking for more stimulating, defiling practices.

Early and Late Dating

To the first group, dating is logically disadvantageous at any age. Among those who regard dating as educational, there is difference of opinion about when it should begin, and what the relative merits are of initiating it at an early or at a late age. Some think youngsters are fortunate if they become absorbed in projects and put off dating until they are relatively near the age of marriage. Others are so positive about the merits of learning through association across sex lines, that they are anxious to see adolescents begin dating associations early. Failure to date until the end of high school is therefore looked upon as an individual as well as a social handicap.

In reality, few have investigated the objective facts to determine the home conditions associated with early dating or analyzed the behavior patterns of either early or late dating. Necessarily, a first effort can do little beyond scratching the surface; still if it is found that measurable differences in family and social patterns exist between early and late daters, further inquiry may be expected to delineate more fully the nature and significance of these differences.

For a number of years, the writer has been studying dating behavior among high school and college students, an article showing that among five thousand students the initial age of dating varied with the age of those furnishing information but was practically the same for boys and girls. More recently, dating has been investigated in the high schools of three cities of approximately one hundred thousand population, located in distinctive sections of the country: Ohio, Texas, and California.

The Engagement: Thinking about Marriage

The society sections of the conservative and respectable New York newspapers carry a picture of a young woman together with her parents' announcement of her engagement to be married. Perhaps the announcement lists briefly the schools of high social standing which the young lady has attended. It may also describe the party at which the engagement was announced. That the families which expect to be brought together in the future marriage are represented in the social register and that considerable family fortunes are involved are matters left unannounced, but they are nevertheless generally understood.

Are the engagements throughout our society simply slight variants on this theme? In Plainville, James West found that engagements are, in contrast to the above type, highly secret affairs. Only the immediate families of each of the pair know of the approaching marriage. Even in communities much less rural and isolated than Plainville, the engagement while not secret may be simply a scarcely perceptible aspect of the growing emotional involvement of two people who have been "going steady." Then again, in many individual cases, an engagement may have largely the function of cloaking sexual exploitation of one of the pair by the other, or, in other cases, a camouflage mutually worn in order to gain freedom from community sex regulations and controls.

What does it mean to be engaged? From the foregoing it is obvious that a good deal of ambiguity and haziness surrounds not only the act of becoming engaged but the very state of being engaged. Perhaps no situation in any society is ever completely defined by the symbols which relate to it, but the engagement situation in our society is one which is left almost completely undefined by its symbols. The symbols are commonly the wearing of a ring or fraternity pin, the announcement of engagement at a party and in the newspaper, exclusive courtship over a long period of time, the words "I love you. Will you marry me?" and so on.

Steady Dating, Imminent Marriage, and Remarriage

For the older or the once married, steady dating is doubtless more closely associated with marriage than for those who are younger or never married. Steady dating in later adolescence is a common pattern, but its social definition points to various types of mutual exploration, with no commitment on either side to an eventual marriage. Two adolescents who are "going steady" are protected from further commitments by this social definition.

By contrast, there is some feeling in most circles that when the couple is older, neither party to a steady dating relationship "has the right" to hold the other in exclusive possession, unless there is some possibility of eventual marriage. The social definitions are, then, that the older or the once married do not have an infinitely wide number of potential marriage partners, or time to find them.

Therefore, they should not stay, or hold others, in a steady dating relationship if there is no chance at all of marriage. A basic assumption of our society is, as we have analyzed previously, that almost all will get married, and that almost all should get married. Thus, relationships are disapproved that hinder adults from entering the statuses, and thereby the role obligations, that are prescribed for them.

For these reasons, we treat both steady dating and remarriage in this chapter, locating some of the factors that appear to be associated with these steps toward resuming the previous status of "married mother." Here, we look at the 303 divorcees who had not yet remarried by the time of the interview.

Let us first state the obvious, that frequency of dating is associated with steady dating: 68% of the frequent daters (more than once weekly at the time of interview) are steady daters, while 38% of the medium daters (Once weekly to once a month), and only 5% of the infrequent daters are also steady daters. It is useful to state the obvious, since the obvious is not always correct.

Falling in Love...

Poets, philosophers, and scientists have all failed to develop a theory of love which explains adequately this infinitely varied and complex emotional experience. Nevertheless, love is too important to escape continued probing of the scientific method.


More often than not today there are variations on this theme of love and marriage. The romantic part of the scenario hasn't changed. Boy and girl still meet, date, and fall in love. But young people have options today that their parents generally did not have. For one thing, when the time comes, they can move into an apartment with a mate without getting married. While many parents still disapprove of such behavior, there are others who hardly take notice of the unmarried couple who live in what used to be called sin.

Another option is that the husband may stay home and do the chores while the wife works fun time, not merely part time in a department store to make a few extra dollars for Christmas or to help the budget, but in a career that is every bit as much her right to pursue as it is her husband's. There may not even be any children, ever, in the picture anymore. More and more couples are postponing having a family until they feel the time is right. Some have made up their minds that children won't fit into their plans at all. Finally, for those who cannot live happily ever after, there's divorce, with or without remarriage. Divorce has long been an option, of course, but it is more frequent and acceptable nowadays. More than one-half of all teenage marriages have, in fact, ended in divorce.

Even if relatively few of you are planning to get married immediately, you have probably discussed the possibility -even if you've vowed that you will never do such a thing. Most teenagers will marry one day, however, and most will have what is known as a traditional wedding -- complete with minister or rabbi or priest, best man and maid of honor, wedding cake and veil and wine and reception and honeymoon. It's important to take a closer look at this serious relationship that is the cornerstone of the family, this social institution that unites one man and one woman to the exclusion of others, and at some of today's marriage options.

Marriages aren't always the natural result of falling in love. People marry for other reasons, even in the United States, where romance generally precedes a wedding. A family might arrange a marriage for business or financial reasons, a king might marry a queen from another country to form a political unit and to solidify power, a young woman from a foreign country might take an American husband to avoid deportation.

An old Czech expression leaves little doubt about the weak role Cupid sometimes plays: "Choose your wife not at a dance, but in a harvest field." Some people, because of their own or their culture's taboos about engaging in premarital sexual intercourse, marry so that they may be free to enjoy sex. Others who believe in "doing the right thing" marry because the young woman in the relationship has become pregnant; marriage in a case like this is a way of averting social disgrace.